Monsters in my head and in my heart


Today’s prompt: Describe your Headache or Migraine monster – what does it look like in your imagination or your dreams?

Last year during a different blogging challenge, I was asked a similar question. At the time I identified most with a hydra, the many-headed beast of Greek mythology. I was experiencing so many health issues at the time it felt like I couldn’t “slay” them fast enough before another would appear. Things have slowed down a bit since then. I no longer feel as though my health problems are spinning out of control. I guess my hydra is sleeping for the moment.

What strikes me this year is that sometimes it can be difficult to separate the monster in my head from the real me. As the pain and other symptoms begin to take over, sometimes my personality is altered. I can become withdrawn and unresponsive. The human voice is so painful that I react aggressively. I hear myself shouting at others to whisper before I realize how ironic it must sound. I lose all sense of reason, modesty, manners, and patience. It takes every essence of my being to cope. I stop caring what the rest of the world thinks.

I have the luxury of being anti-social in my own home. When I worked for a living it was not so easy. I had to divide my self-control between trying to remain calm (to ease the pain) and trying to maintain socially-appropriate behavior. It’s not exactly kosher to shout at your boss to “shut up!” when his voice makes your head explode.

Sometimes I wonder whether the monster is taking over or if I am becoming the monster. How in the world do you separate yourself from something that has been your lifelong companion? How long is too long to live with the monster before you merge?

The 2014 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Dreaming of a World without Migraine and Headache Disorders. The 2014 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of American Headache & Migraine Association.

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